Uncomfortable Conversations

Isabella’s phone rings. It’s Alan. She really doesn’t want to talk after last night’s argument. But at least he called and didn’t text. She figures she might as well get it over with.

"Hey," says Alan before she can say anything.
"Hi," she replies.

"I guess I'll start. I want to preface this by saying that this doesn't change the way I feel about you. But this whole relationship has been a trip for me. It just started moving so fast that I'm starting to get scared and confused. When we started dating things were light and fun. And then we talked about making it "official" and you know me. You know I haven't had that time on my own yet, so I was hesitant, and then things kept on. But then your friends started calling me your 'boyfriend' and all this and all that and it just felt like the train had left the station. And I guess I should have said something, but I didn't want to be negative and hurt feelings and have this uncomfortable conversation. The last thing I want to do is hurt feelings, but it seems that feelings get hurt no matter what so I'm just going say what I feel is my truth."

"And what's that?"

"That I might not be ready for the level of relationship that you are. Like where the fuck did all my time go? Every time we're together, you expect me to spend the night, which is nearly impossible because there are things I need to do in the morning. I have a routine, I have things that I'm trying to accomplish, and I can't really do that it seems, without getting in the way of things that you want."
"That's not true!"
"It is true, and I'm not blaming you for it but just realize that you want things and are allowed to want things. You want to sleep in the same bed and get up together and spend a lot of time together. And how am I supposed to do that? I don't have unlimited time, so that time’s gotta come from somewhere, and it winds up coming from the things that I feel I need to do."

"So you're saying you don't want to spend time with me?"
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the amount of time you want to spend is too much for me. I have my own life and so do you. But I can't have this guilt in the back of my mind that I am hurting your feelings every time I can't make something you want me to make."
"But you say no to everything! You don't like making plans with me. I feel like you are so busy with all the shit in your life that I become the easiest no. You don't say no to your friends. You say no to me."
"I do say no! I see you more than I see anyone and it's not enough. It's never enough. And even the amount that I see you is not easy. I see them once a week. I see you 2-3 times, minimum!"
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do, you just don't realize it. Like, I don't like going out during the week. I have no social life during the week and during the weekends I'm just with you. So, my whole life becomes work and you. That's my life."

"So, what are you saying, you don't want to spend time with me?"

"I'm saying I can't spend all my free time with you! It has nothing to do with anything but that and maybe I'm fucked up for it. I don't get how people do it! It's fucking frustrating."

"Are you saying you don't love me?"

"No. I'm saying you are not the only thing that I love."
"Who is she?!"
"It's not another woman! I am just not ready for the time commitment that is this relationship. I get it, I want the world and all you want is me. That is the struggle. But at this point in my life, I can't sacrifice everything for you. I thought that in a good relationship, you don't have to sacrifice much but I'm starting to realize that this is not the fucking case. Because I only have so much amount of time and energy and it has to go somewhere. Like I'm fine just meeting once a week, that's all I need."
"That's unacceptable!"
"I know. I know it's unacceptable!"
"You're fucking 35! When are you going to grow the fuck up! Like you’re not some 22-year-old where you get to do whatever the fuck you want. You don't get to call all the shots. Why is everything always at your pace? Why is it okay for you to decide how often we meet and what we do and all that shit? Don't I get a say too?"

"Of course, you get a say. But if it doesn't work for me then why would I be in it."
"Because you love me! Also, no one is going to sign up for that. Oh, just see me when you want, once a week, fine! What am I, your fucking whore? When people get into relationships, they start spending more and more time together. That is just what happens."

"So, you see my predicament."

"So what do we do now. You decide everything, right? So tell us what we do now."
"Don't be like that, I don't know what we do now."
"Would you even care if I started seeing other people?"

"I don't know, probably not."

Isabella hangs up the phone. Alan hits up his friends’ group text to see what’s happening tonight.