The Thanksgiving Effect

"Another dinner?!"
"Dinner number two, so what?"
"We just ate."
"That was two hours ago."
"Yeah...that's not a lot of time..."
"I'm a growing boy, I need to eat."
"You're aggressively middle-aged."
"Hey! You're almost 40!"
"I'm not even thirty-five!"
"That's basically forty."
"It's not even thirty-five."

"I want pizza."
"Pizza again?! What is that, the fourth time this week? What is going on with you?"
"I don't know. I'm just hungry all the time."
"But you were doing so well."
"I know, I really was keeping that inner chubby kid at bay. Now he's taken over."
"He really has."
"He really has."

"So what changed?"
"Thanksgiving, duh?"
"Thanksgiving?"
"Yup, Thanksgiving."
"Why Thanksgiving?"
"Glad you asked. You see, my blood sugar was doing just fine this year. I was working out quite a bit, eating only when I needed to, mostly a protein diet, very low sugar, and all was well. Then for whatever reason, the week of Thanksgiving I just let go of the rope. Between the family time and the reunions, there was just no brain space left to think about consumption, so I just decided to stop thinking about it and let whatever happens, happen. I gave myself a pass. And then I ate. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing…oh stuffing. Stuff me right up. Jellied cranberry, pasta, meats, sauces... oof. I don't even like turkey, but I ate so much of it. And that doesn't even mention dessert! Oh, the dessert! Pies, ice cream, more pies, more ice cream, cookies, double oof. My blood sugar hadn't seen such heights since...thanksgiving last year!  And now I'm fucked."
"Why are you fucked?'
"Because my body doesn't understand that this was meant to be a one-time thing. Bodies aren't built for one-time things; they think that whatever happened last will continue to happen again and again until the end of time. So, I mess up my system and now my body thinks that it needs more food than it really does…and now it's December 13th and I'm still eating like it's Thanksgiving."

"Thanksgiving didn't affect me."
"Yes, that's because you simply care too much about what other people think. And how you look in pictures."
"You care about those things too."
"Sure I do, but if I don't like a picture I just eat my feelings, we're built differently."
"Ew."
"Also when was the last time you worked out?"
"Ummm."
"When?"
"I don't know."
"Tell me! Say it."
"No."
"Say it!"
"No, you can’t make me."
"Say it, say it, say it, say it, say it!"
"Fine! Before Thanksgiving! Are you happy?!"
"And there it is. Don't you see, no one is safe from Thanksgiving!"

"You’re making me not like Thanksgiving, and I don't like that."
"I've thought about this quite a lot—while eating obviously—and I realized Thanksgiving is an archaic holiday. Thanksgiving is designed as a feast, and historically, back before everyone started eating like Roman emperors, feasts were preceded by fasts. And therein lies the problem. We feast but we don't fast."
"Yeah, I guess that's true. So when does it end…your so-called Thanksgiving effect."
"I don't know, I don't think it ever ends."
"It has to end, at some point you're going to revert back to some normal diet, right?"
"Maybe, maybe not...I think realistically by the New Year my level of self-loathing will reach a point where I'll make a resolution to really tighten the ship and that will go for a few months before I decide to firmly let go of the rope again. Hopefully, by then the diet will have reverted to some semblance of normalcy and I'll be better off than I am now."

"No."

"No?"

"No! This is unacceptable. Here, have this."
"An apple?"
"An apple. That is your second dinner. You're going to eat this, then we're going to have sex, and then you're going to sleep. Then you're going to wake up tomorrow morning and we are going to go to the gym and we are going to sweat. Sweat like we never have before. And then, only then, will we have breakfast, and a healthy one too."
"But I don't wanna do that! I want pizza!'
"You want to be with me? You eat the apple."
"But you can't do that!"
"I just did. Martial law bitch! No…marital! Marital law bitch!"
"It's not fair."
"Life's not fair."

"Can we at least have a breakfast burrito tomorrow? You know I love those."
"I'll consider it, now finish your apple so you can put it in me."

Chomp.