The Sneeze

Theresa saw a tall, dark, and handsome man standing at the end of the bar. He wasn't there with anyone, but he was there. She, of course, was there with friends, but they were all out to meet men. She was the only one who had the balls to admit it. To her, this tall, dark, handsome man was the hottest guy in the bar. That made him, for all intents and purposes, the hottest guy in the world.

She walked up right next to him, pretended to look at the bartender to order a drink, and started trying to get the man’s attention.

First, a simple look to try and establish eye contact, but her target kept staring straight ahead. Next, she tried tapping on the bar with her hands, you’d call it rhythmic if you were being generous. No dice.

Then, without warning, Theresa let out the loudest, most violent sneeze of her life.

"God bless you," said the man as if it was a reflex.

"Oh, thank you so much, allergies ya know?" Theresa flashed a smile as pure as eternal sunshine.

"I've never had them, but I hear they can really cause some trouble."
"Consider yourself lucky."
"Oh, I do," he said. He paused for a moment. Now the two of them made eye contact and never broke it.

"I'm Moe by the way," he said, offering a fist.
"Theresa," she bumped it.

"Fist bump? How modern."
"Oh, well I do aim to be a modern man."
"And are you?"
"Am I what?"
"A modern man?"
"Well, actually I like to think of myself as more of an old soul."
"How old?"
"Ancient." Theresa couldn't help but laugh.

"Can I buy you a drink, Theresa?"
"I would simply love that. But you don't have to pay for it."
"Beautiful and independent. My instincts tell me you are someone I should get to know."
"Is that what you want, to get to know me?"
"Amongst other things." The devil. "But I have to warn you right now, I am very fucked up. Like...in my life, not like right now. Ugh. You get the point."
"Who isn't fucked up?"
"Touché."

The bartender strolled over. Theresa ordered a vodka martini, extra dirty.

"How are you fucked up Moe?"
"Me? Oh, let's see...my diet is mainly pizza these days."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I just find myself out of the house a lot these days and then I get hungry. So, I ask myself what I want to eat, and the answer is always...pizza. What about you, how are you fucked up Theresa?"
"Oh, so many ways, mostly I can't seem to find a guy worth dating."
"Oh."
"Yeah, it's a real problem."
"And what does this guy have to be, to date you, I mean?"
"Why? Are you interested?"
"Yes."

"Well, in that case, you're going to have to ask me out the old-fashioned way and find out for yourself."
"What about tonight?"
"I would, but tonight I am in a mood that I just can't trust myself around a man like you."
"Oh my. And what kind of man is that."
"The kind that I'd want sticking around."
"And how do you know that?"
"I don't. That's why I take my time."
"Has anyone ever told you how truly beautiful you are?"
"No, you're the first." She winked.
"Fair enough. How about I get your number and we do something next week."
"I thought you'd never ask."

They exchanged numbers. Theresa leaned into Moe's ear.

"I'll be waiting," she said as she kissed his cheek and walked away.

She returned to her friends. He finished his drink and left the bar.

Theresa thought about ways she could have allergies more often.