The Girlfriend Effect

Drew hops off his bike and docks it with near-perfect precision. He pats his chest and points to the heavens. What Steph Curry does after every made three, Drew does after every successful docking. The reasons for both are unknown.

Drew has a spring in his step as he walks into his old stomping ground, succinctly named BAR.

"There he is!! Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce the unimaginable, the unfathomable, the innumerable, and the unbelievable...Captain Drew!" Andy bellows as he sees Drew walk into the bar. Andy and Josh have already acquired their usual booth and are ready to get down to business.

"Where the fuck ya been?" asks Andy as Drew sits down.
"What can I say, fellas..."

"You see Andy, Drew was once a man, a man with real purpose, a man with real ambition, he was someone. But now, after meeting she who shall not be named, he is nothing but a boy, forced to do what mommy tells him, isn't that right Drew?" teases Josh.

"You're not wrong...."

"What happened to you?" cries Andy. "You used to be the man! Drinking, picking up chicks, general debauchery and merriment. You used to be someone!"

"I did...."

"And not to mention the team!" Josh can't be stopped. "We had a good thing going when you were around, you were the opener! Me and Andy are both closers, but we need an opener. A guy to score in the first quarter, get rebounds, set screens, that kind of thing. You were the hustle and defense guy! Draymond Green in his prime! With you we were unstoppable, we won championships! Without you... Have you no respect for the brotherhood?"

"You guys are right, I'm a traitor. To make it up to you...shots?!"

The drinking begins at a furious pace. People walk in and out of BAR, but gradually it gets more and more crowded. The guys continue to shit on Drew, which he happily takes with laughs.

A gorgeous redhead walks into the bar.

"I love her," says Andy.
"She's hot," added Josh.
"Fuck, she is hot," adds Drew.

"Drew! Do the thing! Pick and roll!" says Andy.
"What's in it for me?"
"You owe me! Roll I tell you, roll!"
"Ugh. Fineeee."

Drew stands up and without even a slight hitch in his step walks up to the redhead sitting at the bar.

"Of all the gin joints in all of the world, you just had to walk into this one," he says audibly as he approaches the bar.

"Casablanca?!" she replies excitedly.
"Yes! Great movie, right?"
"One of my absolute favorites! How did you know?"

"I'll tell you how I know, but it's a secret so you can't tell anyone."
"Okay."

He leans in. She follows suit.

"I can read minds."

They both erupt in laughter. Andy seizes his opportunity.

"I just wanted to apologize for my special friend. His mother dropped him at birth, and he has never quite recovered."
"Oh, I'd say he's recovered just fine," says the redhead.
"I'm Andy by the way."
"Victoria. What's your name?" she says looking at Drew.

"I'm Drew. Oh would you look at that, I have to tinkle. BRB."

With that Drew rolls off to the restroom, leaving Andy and Victoria alone.

"He's hot," says Victoria.
"No, he's not!"

"No, I actually think he's hot."
"No fucking way! He hasn't been hot a day in his life, cute maybe. On his best day, but never hot."

"He's hot."

"Like sexy hot?"

"Yeah like sexy hot. He's sexy."

"Well fuck me coming out the door... Oh! I see what's happening here! The Girlfriend Effect!"
"The what?!"
"The Girlfriend Effect."
"What is that?"

"The Girlfriend Effect. When a man jumps a couple of points because he starts getting laid regularly. Usually via a girlfriend."

"Wait, so he has a girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"That makes me so sad."
"Hey don't be sad! I'm here! And just as luck would have it, I'm single!"
"Eh. No thanks."

"What the fuck? Why not me?"
"I'm sorry, I only have eyes for one man in this bar, and he is currently.... tinkling."
"He's taken!"
"Alas, and so am I."

"Wait, what does he have that I don't?"
"Well....you really want to know?"
"Yes."

"Well, for starters, he approached me. That took courage. You just glommed on. That took no courage. His shoes are clear. Yours have seen better days. He smells nice. He is dressed neatly, and he just seems way more confident and competent. Plus, he isn't dying to sleep with me."

"The Girlfriend Effect! Literally, all of that is the girlfriend effect. Do you think he looked and smelled like that before he got into a relationship?! Wrong! So wrong! All of that is because of her. It's all fake!"

"Really? Because it seems plenty real to me."
"Oh! And I'm not dying to sleep with you!"

"Aren't you?"

"Fine, I am! Ugh, it's not fair! Chicks only want dudes with girlfriends!"
"Well, they are verified."

"Don't take this the wrong way Victoria, but I think I hate you."
"Oh don't worry, I won't take it personally."

"I think I'm going to go back to my seat now. I bid you adieu m’lady."
"Lovely talking to you."

Andy goes back to the booth.

"How'd it go?" asks Josh.
"Fucking Girlfriend Effect."

"Ah, a tale as old as time."

Drew comes back to the booth and sits. Victoria finishes her drink and stops by the booth before leaving.

"Here's my card. If you and your girlfriend don't work out, give me a call."

She hands her card to Drew. She leaves.

"Whore!" mutters Andy after she is gone.

They laugh.

"Drew, you have to leave."
"What?! The night just started."
"I can't score with you in the building. You're too happy and confident. It's messing up my mojo. I need you to leave."
"Haha, very funny. What about that screen I just set for you?"

"I'm serious."

"What. Dude, you've been begging me to come hang out!"
"I change my mind. We can't score with you here. Go home to your happiness and warm fuzzy blanket sex."

"Uhhhh okay. Josh, you also want me to leave?
"Yes."

"Okay, well I guess I'll see you guys later then."
"Good day."
"Guys, can't we talk about this?"
"I said good day!"

Drew gets up and walks out of the bar. Josh and Andy start arguing over who’s going to be the new hustle guy.