So What?

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

A modest living room, cluttered with books and takeout containers. BORIS paces, agitated. YURIY lounges on the couch, sipping coffee with maddening calm.

BORIS

Say I committed a murder...

YURIY

Okay. Very ominous.

BORIS

Let’s just pretend.

YURIY

Who did you murder?

BORIS

It doesn’t matter.

YURIY

Every life is important!

BORIS

Let’s say I murdered you.

YURIY (gasping theatrically)

Oh dear, I had no idea you had such passionate feelings about me. What did I do?

BORIS

You wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

YURIY

So you murdered me?

BORIS

Yes!

YURIY

How did you murder me?

BORIS (snapping)

I swear to fucking god! I picked you up and threw you off the George Washington Bridge!

YURIY

Oh, so this is fiction.

BORIS

Yes!

YURIY

Because you’re not strong enough to do that.

BORIS

Can I please just make my case?

YURIY

Of course. So you murdered me by somehow gaining the strength to throw me over the George Washington Bridge.

BORIS

Right. Let’s say you had it coming.

YURIY

Hey, it wasn’t me that slept with your wife.

BORIS

Low blow. But let’s just say it was.

YURIY

Okay. She’s not really my type, but okay.

BORIS

Let’s just pretend.

YURIY

Can I have slept with Nico’s wife instead? Now she’s a looker.

BORIS (gritting his teeth)

Can you please... just... hear me the fuck out?

YURIY

Okay, okay. Say your piece.

BORIS

Right. So I kill you because you slept with my wife. Can I then go in front of a judge and say that you deserved it?

YURIY

What?

BORIS

That you being murdered by me was somehow your fault?

YURIY

Uhhh... I’m gonna say no. You cannot tell a judge that.

BORIS

Exactly. Now let’s say I embezzled some funds.

YURIY (sitting up, intrigued)

Ooooh, this one I like. But can we rob a bank instead? I’ve always wanted to be a bank robber.

BORIS

Fine. We rob a bank.

YURIY (grinning)

Yayy! Did we rob Chase Bank?

BORIS

Chase Bank? How would we rob Chase Bank?

YURIY

I don’t know. I’m not the brains behind the operation.

BORIS

You can’t rob Chase Bank.

YURIY

Why not?! Is it not a bank? It's just as robbable as any other bank!

BORIS

You are an ignoramus... Fine. We rob Chase Bank somehow.

YURIY

Huzzah! Those fuckers must pay!

BORIS

Let’s say we really needed the money. Our families were starving. We needed the money.

YURIY (rubbing his stomach)

Oh my. Why am I suddenly so hungry?

BORIS

Can we go up to a judge and tell them it was the bank’s fault for having money while we were desperate to survive?

YURIY