Shmea

"Would ya look at this shit?"

"Your bagel?"

'Yeah!'

"What about it?"

"It's naked!"

"Naked?"

"Empty! It's fucking empty."

"Empty?"

"I've been robbed my good man, can't you see?"

"Robbed? That's a bit harsh don't ya think? Perhaps they went a little light on the cream cheese, so what?"

"A little light! So what! So what?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Let me tell you my friend, there are a few things more sacred than a man and his morning bagel."

"Few things, you don’t say…?"

"Few things! And when you skimp out on the cream cheese you infringe upon one of the most sacred covenants!"

"Sacred?"

"Sacred! It's holy! But this...this imposter! It's uncouth!"

"Uncouth?!"

"No couth, my friend! No couth! There’s little I cherish more than that first bite of a bagel in the morning. The crunchiness of the double-toasted bagel with the softness of the cool cream cheese. It's hard, it's soft, it's hot, it's cold.... it's everything. It's a beautiful thing."

"Are you going to cry?"

"You just don't get it! You bite into your bagel and sip your coffee and for a moment everything in the world is as it should be. Nothing could be better, and nothing is."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing. And this, this mockery they call a bagel from Tompkins Square Bagel is infringing upon my right to my holy experience!"

"Why don't you go back and get a new one?"

"Go back? What are you, insane?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"It's the principle of the matter, I'm not going back there as long as I live!"

"As long as you live?"

"As long as I live! I mean, look at this thing, I should be drowning in cream cheese. It should be all over my face, my clothes, the bagel wrapper...look at it! There isn't even enough for both halves of the bagel. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the calamity! Mama save me!"

"How will we all survive?"

"This is a dark day, a truly, truly dark day."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"What am I going to do? I'll tell you what I'm not going to do, and that is ever go back to Tompkins Square Fucking Bagel!"

"Maybe you should try oatmeal for breakfast, like me."

"You can't be fucking serious."

"Why? What's wrong with oatmeal?"

"Oooh yeah let me eat some oatmeal. Ooooh yummy let me put some cinnamon on it. I'm so pretty! Look at me being all healthy with my good carbs and my fruit. Let me eat this wet sand so I can go to the gym later and stare at my skinny self in the fucking mirror."

"You should try it, it's pretty good. And you can put whatever you want in it to make it taste good. It's delicious and nutritious!"

"It's like my mom always told me, there are two kinds of people in this world. Those who get it, and those who don't. And you, my friend, don't!"

"I'm not the one hyperventilating over breakfast."

"Perhaps one day you'll get it."

"So, what are you going to have for lunch?"

"Finally, an actual good question!"