Schmamdemic

It was July 2020, and Chad was depressed in a cocktail bar. All the tables were 6 feet apart, practically no one was inside, and he was hell-bent on drinking his sorrow away. His life changed rather quickly when the pandemic started, and he just didn't get it. He was so happy being a single guy, and now he was miserable. So, he drank.

Suddenly, to Chad’s surprise, he had some company. A woman in a black dress walked into the nearly empty cocktail bar and sat at the table right behind him. He waited for her to order a drink from the mask-clad waiter to make his move. After she asked for a gin martini, he got up from his seat and went to her table.

"Hey, mind if I join you?" he asked as he pulled the chair at her table out.
"Sure," she said with a smile. He was in.
"I'm Chad," he said with a wave.
"Ashley.”
"Weird times we're living in."
"Yeah, I'd say."
"You from around here?"
"No, just moved here."
"From where?"
"Nashville."
"Oh, I was just there! Why would you move down here?"
"Ugh, divorce," she said hanging her head.
"Ah, you take all his money?"
"Yes!" she said with a smile.
"Atta girl."
"Yup, needed a fresh start so I came down here."
"Isn’t it crazy that Nashville is way more open than Austin is?"
"Yeah, I'm shocked, I thought Texas stood for something."
"For real. So, you're single?" he asked with raised eyebrows.
"Yes, yes I am," she replied with a smile.
"So, can I buy you another martini?" he asked, noticing her first one was already gone.
"Yes!"

Chad ordered the next round, and the conversation continued with increasing flirtation.

"Shall we go back to your place?" Chad asked once the second round of drinks was done.
"Hmmmm. So, you want to come back to my place, fuck me for the night, and then never talk to me again?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I'm down for that."

The two of them got up from their table and started casually walking out of the cocktail bar. The staff looked on in pure disbelief that a pick-up was happening amid the end of the world. Chad looked back at them and shot them a Shooter McGavin finger gun with a wink as he left.

"I've never had a guy pick me up," said Ashley as they entered her hallway out of the elevator.

Chad wasted no time. He hoisted Ashley into his arms and carried her to her apartment. Moving boxes were scattered everywhere.

Within minutes, as Chad sat on a chair, Ashley stood in front of him and removed her bra.

"So, what do you think?" she asked.
"Think about what?"
"My boobs."
"They look pretty great."
"Natural?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I got them done."
"What?! Those are fake?" Chad stood up and felt them. They looked real, honestly, they weren't big enough to be in consideration for fake boobs. "Wow, you must've been flat before."
"Yeah."
"Like a surfboard."
"Alright asshole, you going to fuck me or what?"
"Yes ma'am."

Chad picked up Ashley and moved her to the couch. He took off her underwear and proceeded to go down on her teasingly. Making sure to give a lot of attention to her newly acquired boobs. Ashley liked that. After about five minutes of that, he proceeded to fuck her missionary for another 10 minutes, a feat he was very proud of.

"THANK...YOU...SO... MUCH... FOR...PICKING...ME...UP!" yelled Ashley towards the end of their first session.
"You're very welcome," said Chad meekly. He finished a few minutes later.

Chad slept over that night. They fucked once more, had great bedtime chatter, and fucked one more time in the morning. Ashley was distant in the morning. Chad got her phone number (so much for never talking to her again) before going back to his rented Airbnb.

He had plans that day to drive up to Lake Travis with his best friend Brad. Chad started bragging about his conquest the second he got to the Airbnb. He was insufferable. Brad was up to his own shenanigans the night before but was not able to break the platonic headlock with the girl he had come to see. He had been peacefully friend-zoned. Together the two of them drove up to the lake.

The weather was downright hot. The two of them stumbled upon a drive-in where they could park and go for a swim, for a small fee of course. They spent the rest of that day drinking, swimming, and talking shit. On the car ride back they got Taco Bell.

The second Chad took a bite of his first sweet potato soft taco he could tell that something was off. The taco just didn't taste right. He chalked it up to a 2.3-star rating of the Taco Bell.

The next morning Chad woke up in cold sweats. His entire set of bed sheets was drenched. He had to change them, but he didn't have the energy to get out of bed. Something was wrong.

He finally mustered the energy to get out of bed. He was famished. He went to the kitchen to get some water.

Was he hungover? He hadn't even drunk that much the night before. All he knew is that he was really fucking hungry, and there was no food in the house. He looked up an open sandwich place. He barely had the energy to walk so he scootered the two blocks to get there. He ordered 3 sandwiches, 2 for himself and 1 for Brad, who was away this morning trying to get himself out of his platonic headlock.

Chad got back to his place and took a bite out of his chicken pesto sandwich. It tasted horrible. Like it had no taste. No taste?! He quickly opened his steak sandwich and took a bite out of that. Same thing, no taste!

He caught covid!