Relationships - a miniature screenplay

[Craig, Alan, and Curly sit together on a park bench. Each of them is holding a lit cigar. They occasionally take drags and watch the "birds" walk by.]

ALAN: How do you convince a woman you are not a creepy old man when you *are* a creepy old man?

[After a momentary pause, Craig, Alan, and Curly erupt into laughter.]

ALAN: No seriously, how do I do that?

CRAIG: Don't think it's possible.

CURLY: Don't worry about it. If a woman is giving you the time of day, she's interested. If not, there's very little you can do about it.

CRAIG: Those who care don't matter, those who matter don't care.

CURLY: Totally.

[Curly nods and takes a methodical drag on his cigar.]

CRAIG: What do you do when a woman is stepping to you but she pulls out the boyfriend card?

ALAN: You tell her you have a girlfriend.

CRAIG: What? Why?

ALAN: You just play along.

CRAIG: Why? I'm single, why would I lie?

ALAN: She's not looking for a relationship. She's looking for sex.

CRAIG: She could be honest about it.

ALAN: Look at it this way, if you don't fuck her, the next guy will.

CRAIG: So I just play along?

ALAN: Yeah ask her to coffee or tennis or whatever. Let the real stuff fade into the back like the evening sunset. Just enjoy the moment.

CRAIG: I'd feel bad for the guy.

CURLY: Listen, if my girl steps out on me with you, I got no beef with you.

CRAIG: So I should just go for it?

ALAN AND CURLEY: Yes.

[Craig stares ahead blankly, taking a prolonged drag on his cigar.]

ALAN: Gosh, what woman worth her mettle is going to want me if I told them the truth? My past is littered with unsuccessful relationships.

CURLY: What's your definition of success? How long was your marriage?

ALAN: 15 years.

CURLY: Success!

ALAN: What?

CURLY: Success! You were with the same woman for 15 years! That's a modern-day miracle!

[Craig and Curly knowingly chuckle. Curly takes a lengthy drag on his cigar.]

CURLY: Shit, I can't stay with a chick 18 months before I never want to see her fucking face again!

CURLY: How long was your second relationship?

ALAN: Five years.

CURLY: Success! You've had not one, but two successful relationships!

[All three laugh and take drags on their cigars. “Birds” continue to walk by]

REDACTED: Wonder why this Australian chick won't text me back?

REDACTED: You never know.....