Men and the City

High noon on a mid-Spring Saturday. Derek sits in a plaza to smoke a joint and take in the sun. He is nursing a wicked hangover and plans on throwing the kitchen sink at it. Sauna, liquid IV, Celsius, weed, carbs, maybe even a quarter of Adderall. Whatever it takes to make him feel like a productive, viable human being again.

Out of the corner of his eye, Derek spots his friend Joey walking over to sit next to him. It’s been ten whole hours since they last spoke.

"Can ya believe it? We must've tried five different bars last night, and not one woman noticed me. It's as if I'm simply invisible to the opposite sex!" Joey starts in a fervor.
"Didn't I see you talking to that one chick?"
"Yeah. And the only reason she talked to me was because she recognized me from the dentist's office. We have the same dentist!"
"Ha. Well, that's something."
"So I get her number and, naturally, I text her as my night is coming to an end."
"Naturally."
"No response!"
"Naturally."

"Well, I've been running the numbers in my head all morning and I realized there is simply a 0 percent chance I ever have sex again in New York City."
"Zero?"
"Zero."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm...moving!"
"What."
"Moving! I'm done! The women here are too tough. And they're mean. I can't conceive ever picking up a chick here again, couldn't even imagine the thought of it."
"You're not moving."
"Oh, I'm moving baby! Moving to a place where the women appreciate me."
"And where is that?"

"Austin!"
"You're moving to Austin?"
"Why not? My cousin lives in Austin, he does very well. "
"Very well?"
"Very well, my friend, very well."
"You're not moving to Austin."
"I'm basically gone."
"You're not."
"Give me one good reason."

"Too small."
"Too small?"
"Too small. You'll spend a year developing a social circle and yeah you'll date a few girls but then you'll realize Sally has been with Jeffrey who's been with Sarah who's been with Mary who's related to Daphne who dated Larry. And now you can’t date Sarah or Mary or Daphne because they’re all in your circle and Luke fucked them all, and now it's weird. Then you'll realize the only game in town is the new chicks moving in every year but you'll be competing with all the other dudes. Eventually, you'll get bored and move back here."

"Luke! There's always a Luke!"
"Always a Luke."
"I hate Luke. Why can't I be Luke?"
"I think you're too pale."

"Okay, not Austin. San Diego then!"
"Same thing, too small. Yeah sure the first couple of girls you date will be hot, but the same thing will happen. Eventually, you'll just wind up dating girls that are far too young for you."
"I can live with that."
"Sure, right up until the point that you realize that they can't pay for anything ever. And now you are not only paying for them but their friends, who also can't pay for anything ever because they are college students."

"I've got it! Nashville! Think of all the tourists."
"Tourists? Your game is going to be tourists?! There are more tourists here than anywhere and do we chase them? No, we don't, because where do tourists go? The worst places. You want to spend your life in the worst places?"

"Chicago?"
"Don't give me that shit. That's just a colder, worse version of here."

"I've got it, Miami! It's the perfect place."
"You know, now you're really saying something...."
"Miami!"
"Eh, wouldn't work for you. No one in Miami wears clothes."
"So?"
"You're a shirt-on guy, not a shirt-off guy."
"I could be a shirt-off guy."
"No, you couldn't."
"I'll hire a trainer. I'll get in shape."
"You have pasty skin, you'll have cancer in 2 years."

"So, no Miami?"
"No Miami."

"So you're telling me there is no city in the country that I can move to? Is that what you're telling me?"
"That's what I'm telling you."
"What a loser I am, no wonder no one will date me."
"You've dated women in the past."
"The past? The past!? Let me tell you my friend, past performance is not an indicator of future performance. What has the past ever done for me?"
"What else do we have?"

"London! I've got it! London!"
"London."
"London! You know what British chicks love? American men! London!"
"Now there...is a good idea."
"London."

"Eh, you can't afford it. You can barely afford it here, how are you going to live in the only city more expensive than this one."

"Paris!"
"They hate Americans...."

Joey's phone vibrates. He looks at it.

"It's the woman from last night! Ah, she fell asleep, that's why she didn't text me back. I'm such a moron, she fell asleep."
"She fell asleep."
"She fell asleep!"

"So what are you gonna do?"
"Well I can't move now, she's too hot to move now."
"Out of the question. So you going to text her back?"
"What, and come off as needy? No way buddy."
"So you wait 2 days."
"Exactly. What a great city we live in! I tell you my friend anything can happen here! Anything!"