Going Home

One would think that dating in a city as vast as New York would be easy. Live here a while and you realize that it is anything but that. It seems as if New York churns out single people. There are a lot of older single people here. There are also a lot of theories as to why this exists. Maybe it has something to do with just how much people work here. When you dedicate most of your life to work, everything else seems to fall by the wayside. And you have to work hard here, how else can you afford the rent? Or it could be the fact that there are just so many options here when dating. Now, having a lot of options can be a good thing if you are at a buffet but when you are picking a life partner having a lot of options can slow you down. It can cause paralysis by over-analysis. Who knows, you might be happier with the next person, right? Perfection becomes the enemy of good enough. No one wants to settle, ever. But it is called settling down, right? It can also be that New Yorkers don't meet. New York can be called a lot of things, but a community is not one of them. Half of us don't even know our neighbors. We keep to ourselves because we simply can not get to know everyone around us. There are just too many people. Not to mention the lack of trust. I mean those people could be crazy, right? Have you seen the news lately? So we stick to the safety of our circles and hope that it will be enough. Maybe New York is just built for single people. A lot of people do find love here but they don't tend to stay here after they do. It just doesn't make any sense. It is too expensive and there is not enough space to raise kids. Not to mention would you want your partner constantly exposed to so many options? This naturally makes New York the "land of the singles." Men develop "commitment issues." Women find it hard to trust men. Men blame the women. Women blame the men. All of which seems harsh but is, ultimately, fair. After all, all is fair in love and war. But are we at war with love? Why don't we just want to be happy?

Nate was hopeful when he moved to New York. He had just graduated from college and had got a job as a prop trader in the big city. He was excited to fulfill his dream of becoming a successful trader but he was also hopeful to find the love of his life. He was a one-woman kind of guy. He had only dated one girl till his move to New York and it was in high school. His family had to move and that was the end of that. He had been single ever since. He didn't sleep around or date tons of women. He never dated more than one woman at a time. He was waiting for marriage to have sex. A concept so foreign, most of his newfound friends and colleagues didn't believe it. Waiting for marriage? In this economy? He wanted to focus on his work and meet the one.

When he first got to New York he stayed with his uncle in deep Brooklyn. As his career progressed so did his housing situation. He moved from Brooklyn to New Jersey, where he was roommates with another fellow trader. His room did not even have a window. Needless to say, his dating options were minimal. A year later he moved to Astoria where he was roommates with an alcoholic bartender. Eventually, the alcohol got the better of his roommate and they had to vacate the apartment. He then moved to his own apartment in Harlem. His own place, he was finally home.

Having your own place is important, it makes you feel as if you are your own person. It gives you agency. Yes, it was lonely at times for Nate but he otherwise loved his time in that Harlem apartment. It was his sanctum sanctorum. And he knew he would not be lonely for long. He was finally making a decent living and was looking forward to getting out there and dating. He was on a few of the apps but he was picky. He didn't have tons of criteria but he did have his non-negotiables. One of which was that he wanted a girl "of faith" like himself. He figured that he wouldn't get along with women that couldn't understand where he was coming from. His spirituality was a big part of what made him who he was. It gave him strength and purpose. Someone who couldn't see or appreciate that was not right for him. Not to mention how powerful and driven they would become if he were to team up with someone who was just as spiritual. He was excited about the potential.

Nate got on the dating apps and had no trouble getting first dates. He went on a lot of dates with women who thought they were "of faith." Nate quickly realized that his definition of faith and their definition of faith was different. He did not expect them to be as conservative as he was but he did expect them to understand where he was coming from. Which, for the most part, they did not. It is one thing to believe in God, it is quite another to put God ahead of oneself. New Yorkers, as it turns out, do not put anyone ahead of themselves. Nate was always the anomaly. He went on very few second dates and even fewer third dates. He never went on a fourth date.

Think about it for a minute. Here was a successful, handsome, and good-hearted guy and he was ready to give his all to a woman. He was every woman's dream. He was straight out of a fairy tale. Prince Charming in the flesh. And the great city of New York chewed him up and spit him out. No great prospects. No meaningful relationships. He would watch his friends go through relationship after relationship. He would watch as they go through the highs and the lows of the relationship cycle. He would be there for his friends after the breakups. He was a groomsman at a lot of weddings. Oh, he went to many, many weddings. Always the groomsmen, never the groom. He had been in New York 7 years and felt he was not an inch closer to finding the one. Then he met Leslie.

Leslie was different. She was "of faith," effortlessly beautiful, and very kind. She was shy and a little quiet but she and Nate got along well through text. They hit it off instantly on their first date. She was the first girl to understand Nate. She got where he was coming from and she listened. He loved that about her. She also never pressured him to do anything physical. They went on many more dates and the two eventually grew closer and closer. On one of their dates, Nate decided to rent a car and drive upstate with Leslie for a hike. He wanted to see how she reacted to physical stressors. Leslie was a bit hesitant but she eventually agreed to go. She enjoyed spending time with Nate. The hike was long but it went smoothly. Afterward, they got dinner at a diner.

"Did you have a good time?" asked Nate.
"Yeah, you know what, I really enjoyed it," replied Leslie.
"That's great. I really like you, Leslie."
"I like you too."
"I don't know how else to say this without saying it so here it goes. Would you want to be my girlfriend?" asked Nate with hope in his heart. Leslie was slow to respond.
"To be honest, I don't know. Now, hear me out here. It has nothing to do with you. As you know my last relationship ended pretty badly and I don't think I have recovered. I also haven't told you the whole story. I was in an abusive relationship. He was abusive towards me. Both with his words and also physical. Now I have started to make peace with it but I still think about it every day. I trust you and I know that you are nothing like him. But, for right now, it is hard for me to give myself to another person like that." She started crying. "You are such a good guy and if things were different I could really be happy with you. But this is something that I still deal with. How did I let myself get into that situation? Why did I stay once it got bad? I blame myself and I don't think I can be happy again for a long, long time. I am doing the best that I can but I can't carry the weight of another relationship. I just don't think I can make you happy right now."

Even though he was devastated, Nate comforted Leslie. What else could he do? The two of them finished their meal and started the long drive back to the city. They listened to music but neither of them said a thing. Neither knew what to say. From that point on, Nate tried his best to be there for Leslie. He would message her often to check in but he knew it was as a friend. Slowly the messages back and forth started dwindling. She was less responsive. She needed more space. And then even more space. Right up to the point that the two of them barely spoke. Nate was forced to move on.

Nate thought long and hard about his life. He had an all-around great life but he had no one to share it with. Everyone always told him how great dating was in New York and all he could wonder was what drug they were on. Probably cocaine. Dating in New York sucked for him. He couldn't meet like-minded people and even when he did they had so much baggage from previous relationships that it made getting together impossible.

After thinking about it for a few months he decided to move to Washington DC. He wanted to be closer to his family. He had given New York a chance and decided that it was not for him. Most of his friends were shocked by the decision. They were also sad that he was leaving. He managed to touch the heart of everyone he ever knew. He was that great of a guy. But one of his friends, a wise and handsome fellow, understood the move. He also told Nate that he would meet the love of his life within a month of moving to DC.

And he did. He met Janet 3 weeks after his move.

They were engaged a year and a half later.