From London, with Love and Squalor

"Hi, bb!"
"Bb! Why haven't you called me yet! It's been so long!"
"It's been like 4 days."
"Well, it feels so much longer than that."
"Awww, does my bb miss me?"
"No! Gross. Don't be disgusting."
"You're disgusting, you naughty naughty girl."
"Ugh, I'm so naughty and it makes me sad."
"Aww, why you so sad?"
"Because my other naughty bb not here."
"Aww, so you do miss me!"
"No! Gross! Don't be grotesque!"

"Okay so tell me all the things."
"No, you first. How is life across the pond? How are the nieces? How's London Bridge? Has it fallen down?"
"How come every time you come around, my London London bridge wanna go down like londy londy londy, wanna go down like londy...."
"Ugh, I love it when you sing to me."

"Things are good. It was sunny for all of a day and a half and it has reverted back to gloomy and rainy, which sucks. The nieces are good, I have picked up a British accent as you can tell, mostly from the 8-year-old. I just repeat what she says, and it has been a jolly good time. Haven't done much though, just lounging around and eating good food."
"That sounds great."
"It really is. Oh! So I told my cousins about you and they are obsessed!"
"They are?!"
"Ob...sessed."
"Finally, I knew they would be."
"I showed them that picture of us on the beach and they were like how did you get her?!  That's the first time I've gotten that."
"Rude. That is not the first time."
"It's the first time."
"Is not."
"Is too."

"Ugh. So what did you get me?"
"Ugh, I'm so poor. Every time I come here I rediscover my shopping addiction. The clothes are just so much better here, probably because they are more classy, and we know I'm a classy betch. So I became a complete retail whore and now I'm poor. Hey that rhymes, aren't we having such a good time?"
"Ugh, I love it when you rap for me."

"So what did you get me?"
"We're not talking about you right now, we are talking about me, I, the man that has flown from the glorious mecca that is New York to the cloudy naptown that is England."
"So, you don't like England?"
"I love England, it makes you work for your happiness. Also, like, has it occurred to you that the majority of the world speaks European languages. Like, we Americans think, like, we set the tone for everything, but, like, we come from Europeans, we all do, really, the ideals and values that we think we originated actually started over here and spread to there. We're all more British than we think."

"Who cares! What did you get me? Oh, and did you ask your cousins about any new British crime shows?"
"Nah, they couldn't think of any. So sad."

"So things are good over here, thanks for asking."
"You're welcome."
"My boss is on vacation again, so I have to pick up all the slack. Like when do I get my vacation ya know? Oh! And you know that guy Tracy was seeing? The one that took her on the lunch date? You know how she was so worried because, like, ew who goes out on lunch dates and you were all, like, 'it's just lunch, he's probably busy, blah blah blah.' Turns out he dumped her saying something like 'I finally ran into this girl that I've been hoping to run into and I'm going to go see where things are with her.'"
"What."
"Yeah!"
"How do you try to run into someone?"
"Literally the easiest thing in the world, have you ever lived?"
"But, like, how?"
"Well if you know where they are going to be, you just show up to those spots when you expect them to be there."
"Oh, I get it, you stalk them."
"Exactly."
"But like why tell Tracy all that? Just end it and move on."
"I know right! Like, and there is no way this chick is going to go out with this guy. And get this! He goes 'If things don't work out between us, I'd maybe be down to continue this!'"
"No, he didn't!"
"He did!"
"He's either the stupidest man to ever exist or the smartest!"
"Stupidest, Tracy hates him now."
"Makes sense."

"Oh! And I was snooping on my neighbors, you know across the way, and they were having sex!"
"What! No way! With the blinds up?"
"Yes! Well only for a few minutes, like the foreplay stuff."
"What did you see?"
"Nothing really, not much, I couldn't see details. It's like I always tell you, you need to buy me binoculars. Do you get them for me in London?"
"Just use the zoom on your phone."
"Ew, that's just....creepy.'
"Yes that's creepy, but binoculars..."

"FINE! I miss you come home."
"Fine, I will."

"So, what did you get me?"
"You'll see when I come home."
"Fine! You can buy me a ticket to come visit you this weekend."
"But what about my British goomah?"
"Excuse me?"
"Oh! The midriff is so back here. Every chick has her belly button out."
"Whores."
"I know right! It's great!"
"Excuse me?!"
"Greatly concerning!"
"Do you have your sluty legs out for the world to see?"
"No, it's too cold."
"Phew."

"Fine! I miss you too."
"I know. You're obsessed with me."
"Ew."
"Don't ew me. It's cayutee"
"It's deplorable."
"Adorable."
"Disgusting"
"So cute."
"Filthy."
"Stoppp, you're turning me on."