Deep Cleaning (feat Alfred)

All right, Alfred. Let's get to it.

Living room. Clean the desk, wipe it down. God get that dust outta here. The windows! Get the windows, for god's sake get the fucking windows! They must be clean. Alfred! Where are my wipes?! Wipe, wipe, wipe. 

Ok, the computer looks good, let's wipe that down. Love the computer. Ugh, the desk is always so messy. Whatever, messy mind, messy desk, you know what they say. And some messes have to be cleaned up. So let's fucking clean!

Okay, let's move the chair out of the room and vacuum. Easy enough. No carpet anymore, don’t miss that. Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. I'm hungry. Cleaning is hard. Okay, let's move the table and vacuum under it. Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Crush it, kill it, do it, did it. 

On to the sofarotorium, the place where all the bags and coats live. Love the sofa. Such a nice sofa. Takes such good care of all the coats and bags. Hang up the stuff. Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Easy peasy. On to the kitchen we go.

Move the mats and the footstool out of the way. Out of the fucking way! Why am I not listening to a podcast right now? Gotta listen to a podcast. Get phone, hmmm Lex Friedman? Who’s on? Oh, who? Next. Joe Rogan? Ugh. This is so hard. Fantasy Footballers! Yup, there we go. How in the world am I going to draft Justin Fields this year? I just can't fucking justify it. Or can I?

Back to cleaning. Okay so everything is out of the way...look at those fucking cabinets. Disgusting! I must clean them, for the sake of humanity. God. Alfred, get my wipes! I must wipe all the cabinets, where is that step stool? Wipe, wipe, wipe. Okay, so they look great, what a weird thing I'm doing.

Trash! I haven't taken out the fucking trash! Grab trash from all three cans and toss them. Bada bing, bada boom, put in new trash bags.

Vacuum kitchen, vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Onwards and upwards.

Time for the bathroom and corridor. Move the laundry basket to the room, take the bathroom mats, and smack them against each other. 

Smack. Smack, smack, smack. 

Put them in the room. Vacuum every fucking thing. Time to use the extender, love it when I get to use that. 

Clean behind the toilet. Ugh, this bathroom is disgusting.

Alfred, where are my wipes?! Move the brushes. Wipe the counter. Wipe, wipe, wipe. Move brushes back. Ugh, the mirrors disgust me! I am disgusting! Wipe the mirrors. Wipe, wipe, wipe. The bathroom looks great. Good job me.

Get the mats out of the room and vacuum them. Ooh, I am so strong. Look at me lifting this vacuum onto this mat. And I clean?! Anyone would be lucky to have me. Put the mats back, on to the bedroom.

The bedroom, where the players play. Ooh la la. Naughty boy. Cleaning his filthy, dirty, disgusting bedroom. Disgusting. Okay down to basics. Simple vacuum job, right? Wrong! look at all the dust! It’s everywhere! Help me!!! I'm drowning in dust! What the actual fuck? Am I just another particle of dust? No, I am not. I am the cleaner of dust! Alfred, where are my wipes?!

Actually, water on a paper towel is much more effective, let's use that. Out of paper towels. Well, fuck me. Alfred, where are my wipes! Wipe, wipe, wipe. Wipe the desk. Ugh, I have too much stuff, can I throw it out? Wipe the cabinets. Damn, there are a lot of books here. I'm so smart. The windows! Have to wipe the windows! Who is creepin’ on me?! Why is it no one!?

Okay, last little bit. Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Wow, this place is habitable! Love it. I'm so clean. Ugh, the other bedroom. Not my space, not my problem. No, clean it. Fine, I'll vacuum. But I won't like it. Finish the fucking race.

Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. All done! Put the vacuum away and kiss it. Mwahhh. 

How do I celebrate? No weed. Ugh. I'm not drinking at home alone. And besides, who can afford the calories? Pornhub it is.

Nice work, Alfred. You're dismissed.