Dating 301: Advanced Topics

Liza and Carlos are a pair of West Coast transplants who moved to New York City for work right after college. They first met on Carlos’ 26th birthday on a night out with his friends; Liza couldn’t say no when a birthday boy asked for her number. They made their relationship “Facebook Official” a month later and have now been together for nearly four years.

18 months ago, Liza and Carlos decided to play house, adopting a rescue puppy and moving into an apartment on the Upper West Side. Carlos—a die-hard Seahawks fan—convinced Liza to name him Marshawn.

Fast forward to present day, a sun-soaked Tuesday evening in late spring. Liza and Carlos get home around the same time and, as they always do, leash up Marshawn to take for a walk along the river. This is their conversation.

LIZA: You're going to date me sooo hard this week.

CARLOS: Ew, why?

LIZA: Because I've decided it so.

CARLOS: Well, I've decided it not so.

LIZA: Ugh, you used to take me out all the time. We'd go on sunset walks, out to dinner, yadda yadda.

CARLOS: Yeah, I was courting you.

LIZA: Honey, you're going to be courting me your whole life.

CARLOS: Ugh.

LIZA: Don't you miss dating me?

CARLOS: No.

LIZA: Yes, you do, you miss it soooo much.

CARLOS: I do not.

LIZA: You do. So, where are you going to date me this week?

CARLOS: Ugh. You say date, I hear spend a million dollars to go home with the woman that I came in with.

LIZA: What's wrong with that?

CARLOS: Everything, the question is what's right with that?

LIZA: Everything is right with that, it's romance baby.

CARLOS: Overrated.

LIZA: Underrated.

CARLOS: Your mom's underrated.

LIZA: She's really not.

CARLOS: You know in some cultures they say romance comes after the wedding.

LIZA: Huh, great point! That would really be something if there was a ring on my finger…

CARLOS: My point exactly, we have no business bothering with romance.

LIZA: You used to buy me flowers, and now my vase sits empty, crying for more.

CARLOS: That’s funny, I did think about buying you flowers today, but it's just so far out of my way to go get them from the bodega.

LIZA: You could move up from bodega flowers to real flowers from a delivery service or another.

CARLOS: I could, but let’s face it: you're a bodega flowers kind of girl.

LIZA: I really am.

CARLOS: I'll think about it though. And hey, isn't it the thought that counts?

LIZA: It is. I guess I can think about giving you a blow job.

CARLOS: It's not the buying of flowers that I mind, it's the carrying of them.

LIZA: The carrying?

CARLOS: You ever seen a man carrying flowers? Have you ever seen anything so pitiful?

LIZA: I think it's hot when a man is carrying flowers.

CARLOS: All I think is “suckerrrr.” All he's thinking is “Don't look at me, I'm hideous! Can't you see I'm losing the war to this woman? Save yourself! I'm a goner, it's all over for me. But for the sake of all that is holy, save yourself!” He's filled with shame.

LIZA: No way.

CARLOS: Meanwhile…a woman carrying flowers? It's like she's holding a fucking Nobel peace prize. Never seen more pride in my life.

LIZA: So, do we think I get a sugar daddy that actually wants to take me out and be seen with me?

CARLOS: You know what, that works for me.

LIZA: Aww you'd be so jealous.

CARLOS: I know, but I'll hide it well.

LIZA: Aww my poor bb.

CARLOS: Hey, no need to bring class into it, rich girl.

LIZA: In what world am I rich?

CARLOS: You're right, come to think of it we really need that sugar daddy. Does that mean I get a goomah?

LIZA: Only if she's older than me.

CARLOS: Works for me.

LIZA: So, have you decided what we're doing on Wednesday?

CARLOS: Ugh, why, do we have to?

LIZA: I was thinking...Indian and a moonlit stroll home.

CARLOS:...I could do Indian.