Clucky's- The Original Chickn' Sandwich

"What can I getcha?" George asked with a wry smile.

"I'll have two of the original, please," the customer eagerly replied.

Of course you will, George thought to himself.

Ah, life was good again for good old Georgie Porgies. Business was booming once again. George knew. He knew it as he knew the day he opened Clucky's 12 years ago. He knew that veganism was on the rise and that the industry was ripe for innovation. As a trained chef, he knew that he could deliver the best taste and texture to the masses. He knew that there was no one better suited for the job. What he didn't know was how far he'd go for the original Chickn' sandwich.

Six months ago, no one was coming into Clucky's. Now? Lines out the door. 'This new recipe! It's fantastic!' they would say. And it was. It was fantastic, so fantastic that it single-handedly brought Clucky's back from the verge of bankruptcy. After word got out about the new recipe, vegans from all over the country--the world even--would fly in to eat at Clucky's. They all wondered the same thing: 'What is in that Chickn' sandwich?' No one knew. No one, except George.

Until that fucking dog walked in.

**

"Weird thing happened today," Eduardo says as he walks into George's office. "There was this really cute dog that walked in."
"You came in to tell me about a dog?"
"No, I came in to tell you about what the dog did."
"What did it do?"
"You see, the dog was just sleeping as its owners were enjoying the new Chickn' sandwich when someone carrying a tray accidentally stepped on the dog, and out of shock, it fell."
"Was everyone okay?"
"Yeah, but that's not the interesting part of the story. When the guy fell, his tray, his Chickn' sandwich, and his soda all fell too."
"Did you clean it up?"
"Yes, yes, but that's not it. You see, the dog...it ran over...and ate the sandwich."

George pauses. A lot of thoughts rush through his head, but all he could say was, "I see."
"You see?"
"Yes, I see."
"I'd never seen anything like it. A dog, chomping at the bit to eat a fake chicken sandwich. To eat beans and peas or whatever the fuck you put in it. I'd never seen anything like it."
"I see."
"At some point, you're going to have to say something else."
"What happened after that?"
"Nothing. I cleaned up the mess, gave the guy a new sandwich and soda, and no one thought anything else of it."

"So what's the problem?"
"The problem is that dogs don't chomp at the bit for beans and peas. They only do that for...chicken."
"I see."
"Again, you see. Which means you don't deny it?! You're serving people real fucking chicken!"

George stays silent for a while. Ed, properly reading the room, decides to take a seat and let George gather his thoughts.

"Well, I guess the jig is up."
"What?!"
"It's been a nice run."
"Why?! Just like, why?!"
"We were going out of business, everyone would lose their jobs, I'd be broke."
"You can't serve vegans real chicken!"
"Eh."
"Eh? That's all you have to say! Eh?"
"They love it! They fucking love it."
"Yes, because they think it's fake chicken that tastes like real chicken, not actually real chicken."
"How would they fucking know?"
"What do you mean?"
"They're vegan! How the fuck would they know real chicken from fake chicken? They've only had fake chicken."
"They know."
"No, the fucking dogs know. The people are clueless."
"It's immoral, George, not to mention probably illegal."
"Oh, it's definitely illegal."
"Then why the fuck did you do it?"
"Well...for one, I didn't know it was going to work. I just knew I had to try something new, WE had to try something new—"
"Don't you fucking bring me into this!"
"It's a partnership, Ed, for better or for worse."
"If I go to jail for this shit, so help me God."
"See, that's just the thing, there's no jail time for something like this, just a fine. Now, I never thought that vegans would go for actual chicken. Turns out, chicken is as big to vegans as the avocado!"
"Bigger, actually."
"So you see my point, and then we blew up before I could really stop and think about it, and before I knew it, we were making so much fucking money that I figured that whenever we get caught, we can pay the fine and close up shop. I could give the guys some severance money and that would be it."
"Yeah, except a fine is not going to placate all the fucking vegans that you betrayed. They will kill us."
"It's possible. They are an angry people. Mostly because they're starving all the time. More hangry than angry if you ask me, you get the point."
"So what do we do? How do we get out of this?"

"Well...do we really need to?"
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
"I mean, seriously, what? A dog is gonna report us?"
"So that's the play, keep going until they catch on to us?"
"Hey, it worked for cigarettes and fast food, and like literally everything. How do you think advertising works? It's all a fucking lie."
"No, it's not. There are things that are exactly as advertised."
"Baloney."
"Okay, I'm not here to debate you on this. Either you shut it down or I..."
"What? You're going to snitch on your own business?"
"Hmm."

"See, it's the money, isn't it?"
"It's just so much money. We've made more in the last six months than we have in our two best years combined."
"Yeah, like I said, at some point the merry-go-round will end, but until then...save your money."
"I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm vegan! You're vegan! We used to believe in this shit!"
"Yeah, but have you tried chicken? I don't know if you've heard, but it's really fucking good."
"Fuck you."

Ed doesn't know what to do, so he gets up and starts to walk out of George's office.

"Hey, Ed?"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe put a 'No Pets' sign up on the door."

He walks out of the office only to walk back in half a second later.

"What about service dogs?"
"That's a risk we have to take."