Built Different
All right. Week 3. Day 2 of the new regimen. 90-second holds. Yikes. At least we get the next week off.
Get out phone. Play Spotify, something light and breezy, not too amped, hard to sustain that for the whole workout. Open timer. Make sure the sound is set to Chimes. Perfect.
First: push-up, low position hold. Easy. Okay, relatively easy.
30 seconds in. We're fine. 60 seconds in. We are not fine. Just the first set though. The prove it set. Prove it prove it prove it. Chime chime chime done.
90 seconds rest.
Next: pull up and hold it for the next 90 seconds. Okay, no human alive can do that shit, so let’s assist. A little weight support. 60 pounds? Yeah, 60 pounds. We got this. Start the timer.
25 seconds in, I'm dead. No, no quit. Just breathe. Slow it down. You wanted to work hard, right? RIGHT? Well, this is what hard work feels like. YoU wAnTeD tHiS, right? 67 seconds in, don't quit. Don’t quit. Is this worth it? It better be fucking worth it. Don't quit, don't quit. Just whatever you do don't fucking quit. Don’t…fucking…quit…Built different. BUILT. DIFFERENT.
Chime chime chime. Thank fucking god.
90 seconds rest.
Okay: second set of push-up holds. Should it be called push-down holds? It is in a low position, right? But am I pushing down? Kind of, I am resisting the ground, but am I pushing down? hmmm. Timer. Fuck, let's get it.
60 seconds in. Okay, I'm feeling it a little, but we're built different around these parts. Just breathe. Inhale. Exhale. 85 seconds in. Fuck me fuck me fuck me. Chime chime chime. Collapse on the floor.
Rest.
Fucking pull-up holds. What the fuck, am I fucking monkey? I guess I come from a monkey. I mean we all do. Chimpanzees to be exact, and they swing from trees all day and eat fucking bananas. And yet our arms are easily our weakest limbs. Make it make sense. Timer.
20 seconds in. Well, I fucking feel it, it isn’t great. But we breathe. Inhale exhale 10. Inhale exhale 9. Inhale exhale 8...what number am I on? 50 seconds in. Fuck me, this ain't gonna workout for me. This is really not going to work out for me. This is REALLY NOT going to work out for me. Fuck you, fuck me, fuck me, fuck everything. 80 seconds. I want to die. BUILT DIFFERENT. BUILT. DIFFERENT. Noooo, I'm losing my grip. no, no, no, NOOOOO....chime chime chime. Thank the good lord.
Rest.
Third set push-up hold, finish. Push down hold? Just think, you don't have to do this for another fucking week. No more holds for a fucking glorious week. Finish. Just fucking finish. Timer.
60 seconds in. Built different. We are fucking built different. Pushup holds we fucking got. HOLD IT. 85 seconds in. Hard work, dedication. Hard work. Dedication. HARD WORK. DEDICATION. Chime chime chime.
Rest.
Okay, the last pull-up hold. Hopefully for the rest of my life. Fuck it, fuck it all. Finish, just FINISH, just get through it. Hey, if you stop in the middle, that’s fine, just get back up and finish. If we break, we break. Breaking ain't nothing new. Fuck. Timer.
Fuck fuck fuck. 15 seconds in. Well, I feel it. my neck, my back, my....45 seconds in. I'm not shaking, you're shaking. 65 seconds in, I can't do it. I have to stop. I HAVE TO STOP. NO! 5 breaths. Inhale exhale 1. Inhale exhale 2…fuck. C’mon, no. Not yet, just count for 10. 10, 9, no not like this, never like this, NEVER. No, no, I'm slipping, I'm falling, I just can't.... chime chime chime.
Rest, ahhhh.
All right, nice, a third of the workout down. Onto overhead press holds and bicep curl holds. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.