Backup

Bob sits in his office, combing through tape, just as he’s been doing since five in the morning. He needs to find something about his next opponents he can use to his advantage. The team’s prominent yet delusional fanbase is clamoring for a win.

There’s a knock on his door. “You wanted to see me, coach?”
“Hey Zach, yeah, take a seat.” They make small talk for about 30 seconds before Bob decides to reveal the good news.

"Zach, I want you to start this Sunday's game."
"Nah, no thanks."

"What?!"
"I think I'm better off being the backup."
"But don't you want to play?"
"Coach, I've thought about this long and hard. And you know what? Life as a backup is simply better. You chill, you don't get hit, you get paid, and no one shits on you when the entire team loses. It's a win-win."

"Zach, we pay you to play football, you do realize that, right?'
"Actually you pay me no matter what, a contract is a contract after all. It doesn't matter if I play or not."
"But the team needs you."
"Eh, I think the team will be just fine without me."
"But we need a quarterback, and you are our best shot at winning games."
"Am I though? We've lost plenty of games with me as the starter."

"But what about your teammates? They're going to hate you."
"Actually coach, they've moved on from hating me, now they hate you."
"What?!"
"It's true, they hate you now."
"Why?"
"Because you started me for so long in the first place."
"But what choice did I have, you were the backup."

"There's always a choice coach, you could have traded for someone else's backup."
"Then what the fuck do we have you for?"
"I'd like to think of myself as a morale guy, and I'm cute!"
"This is a professional football team! You think we drafted you because you were cute?"
"It didn't hurt. And I didn't tell you to draft me, you decided that on your own. I also didn't tell you to pay me so much, you chose to do that too."

"So what you're telling me is that you don't want to play football anymore? Is that what you're telling me?"
"What I'm telling you is that I want to be a career backup."
"But why?! You could do anything with your life! If you don't actually want to play football, then quit and do something else."

"Three million dollars coach. That is what backup quarterbacks make in the league. Three million dollars."
"That's more than I make!"
"Exactly! What other job would pay me three million dollars a year? None! I have no skills! I plan on being a backup for as long as humanly possible."

"But Zach, now that I know you don’t want to play, you know I have to cut you, right?"
"Oh, I am aware."
"Then what are you going to do?"
"Convince some other team to hire me as a backup."
"No other team is going to hire you, I'll make sure of that!"

"Of course they will."
"Why would they?"
"Because I'm young and have starter experience. Someone will believe in my potential. Not to mention I'm a great morale guy. And I'm cute!"
"No one gives a fuck that you're cute!"
"It's surprisingly useful in interviews."

"Zach, listen to me, you are heading down a dark, dark path. You can't keep this up forever, eventually you will need to play in the games."
"No coach, you listen to me, I'm very frugal and I'm very good at investing."
"What?!"

"I'm under contract till the end of next season, that's six million. Then I convince another team to give me a 2-year deal at three million per year, that's another 6 million! In four years, I will have close to 7 million, after taxes of course. If I'm smart about my spending, which I am, and I invest well, which I will, I should be set for life after that."

"But Zach I drafted you! If word of this gets out, I'm going to lose my job!"
"Oh don't worry coach, someone else will hire you, you have head coaching experience, you're a morale guy, and you're cute!"
"They won't hire me to be a head coach!"
"Lord, why on earth would you want to be a head coach?! It's so stressful! The media kills you on a daily basis. Say it with me coach: assistant. Assistant coach. They get paid very well in the league and you could probably pull it off for 10-15 years before they catch on. You could make a small fortune if you save and invest well."

"I hate you, Zach."
"You need me, coach, more than you'll ever know. Hit me up if you want some investment advice. Good talk."

Zach gets up and leaves the office. Bob decides to take a break from watching tape.