Advisory

"I've had enough!"

Paul is caught off guard and looks up from his crossword puzzle.

"Excuse me, what?"
"I have had enough!"
"Enough of what?"
"Everything! All of it!”

You might have been able to tell: Luke has had enough. After nearly four decades of existing on this planet with nothing to show for it, Luke has reached his breaking point. Where the hell is his life going? He has so many memories, and so many damn pictures, but in reality, what does he have? Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. So he decides it’s time for a different phase of life, a more prosperous phase. It’s time to hire a financial advisor. His name is Paul.

"Sit down, sir, let's have a chat. What brings you in today?"
"Well, you see, sir, I’m about to turn 40 and have nothing to show for it."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing!"
"What do you mean nothing?"
"I mean nothing."
"Do you have a house?"
"No, I rent."
"Do you have a car?"
"No."
"Wife, children?"
"No. No."
"Oh my."
"So you see my predicament."

"Do you have any assets of any kind that have any value?"
"None."
"No retirement accounts, no savings?"
"Ha! You think I'd be here if I had a 401(k)? Do I look like someone with a Roth fucking IRA?"
"Sir, it says here that over the past 20 years, you've made over 5 million dollars in income. How is it possible that you have nothing?"

"In a word, women."
"Women?"
"Women."
"How so?"
"Ugh, do we really have to get into it?"
"Yes, I can't help you unless I know how you got here."

"You see, I've never had any trouble making money. Ever since I was a wee boy of 20 years old, I've made good money. Good salaries, huge bonuses, lots of promotions. Every time I switched jobs, I made even more money. But every time I got a bonus, promotion, or new job, I got a new girlfriend. It was unbelievable. The bigger the bonus, the more expensive the girlfriend. But then I would have a bad year, and the woman would leave me because I couldn't afford to take her to Aspen or the Hamptons or Moulin fucking Rouge or whatever was 'in' that year. Then I would become depressed and start seeing the other kinds of women, the kinds that come with a literal price tag. Of course, once a man gets used to a certain class of woman, he cannot have anything less, and that type of woman ain't cheap. After about 6 months of that, I would be whole again and have another great year with yet another great girlfriend. And the cycle would just repeat itself. So here I am."

"I see."
"You do."
"So you're telling me all your money went to.... dating?"
"What exactly does everyone else do with their money?" They share a laugh. "But seriously, I've spent more on bags, shoes, and vacations than anyone I know. Seriously, the women I date, they're freaking geniuses. They get the bag, and I get the bill!"
"Well, that is a problem."
"So, can you help?"
"Of course, we've seen this kind of thing before."
"You have?!"
"Certainly. For you, we have the Womanizer Philanderer Package."
"The Womanizing Philanderer Package?"
"The Womanizing Philanderer Package."

"What's that?"
"It is a financial package built for bachelors such as yourself, who will do just about anything to land a beautiful woman."
"Hey!"
"I mean that with all due respect, sir. We can help."
"Okay, so what is this package?"
"Simple. First, we will calculate how much disposable income you have at the end of every month. This is after your bills are paid for all the necessities. Then, we will take 80% of that disposable income and invest it across a variety of assets."
"80%!"
"Yes, 80%. That's the Womanizing Philanderer Package."
"But why so much?"
"Because you see, if we don't, you will simply spend it all."

The realization hits Luke like a ton of bricks.

"You see,” Paul continues, “you are simply incapable of sitting on money. So, we will take it away from you and invest it, and not let you touch it. If you can't see the money in your account, you won't think you're rich, you will be forced to live below your means."
"But women? How will I get them?"
"You will have to use your charm and charisma."
"But I don't have any of that!"
"Don't worry, we will leave a little money so you can pick up hobbies. Improv classes perhaps."

"No,” Luke shudders in fear at the thought of improv classes. “There has to be another way."
"There is no other way."
"I can make more money!"
"It won't make a difference. Your problem isn't the making of money. Your problem is the keeping of money made."

"I see."
"You do."
"The Womanizing Philanderer Package?"
"The Womanizing Philanderer Package."